Jekyll2022-06-18T13:57:39-06:00http://stewiewrites.com/feed.xmlStewie WritesBuild Better Relationships
StewieBoundaries: Who Is This Book For?2021-11-28T00:00:00-07:002021-11-28T00:00:00-07:00http://stewiewrites.com/boundaries-who-is-this-book-for<p><img src="/images/woman-girl.jpg" alt="Woman" /></p>
<p><cite>Image by <a href="https://pixabay.com/users/sasint-3639875/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=1807533">Sasin Tipchai</a> from <a href="https://pixabay.com/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=1807533">Pixabay</a></cite></p>
<p><em>This is part of my online book on <a href="/healthy-boundaries-made-simple/">Healthy Boundaries Made Simple</a></em>.</p>
<p>This online book is for anyone who struggles to enforce healthy boundaries.</p>
<p>But can I tell you a secret? The biggest reason we don’t enforce personal boundaries: We don’t know where they are. Not really. No one ever sat us down and said, “This is where your boundaries begin.” As a result, people walk all over us, and we second-guess ourselves about whether anything terrible even happened. We feel mistreated but have nothing to point to and say, “You’ve crossed this line!”</p>
<p>Our boundaries are fuzzy and shadowy and amorphous. We’re unclear on them until it’s too late, and we’ve allowed—or invited!—someone to tread on us like a dirty doormat.</p>
<p>If you’re…</p>
<ul>
<li>Unsure where boundaries began, this book is for you.</li>
<li>Unclear when it’s ok to push back, this book is for you.</li>
<li>Unsure how to enforce boundaries while getting your needs met, this book is for you.</li>
</ul>
<h2 id="who-is-this-book-not-for">Who is this book NOT for?</h2>
<p>If you want to “teach” another adult about boundaries, this book is not for you. (Honestly, others don’t need you to “fix” them!) A huge part of respecting boundaries is trusting other people to manage their lives. You can change your relationships, but not by changing other people.</p>
<p>If you want a quick fix or silver bullet, this book is not for you. The ideas are simple to understand but difficult to implement. As the old saying goes, they’re common sense but not common practice. You’ll need a lot of courage, and you’ll break a bunch of old habits. But if you’re ready to make lasting changes, read on!</p>StewieHealthy Boundaries Made Simple2021-11-27T23:00:00-07:002021-11-27T23:00:00-07:00http://stewiewrites.com/hbms-backup-2021-12-20<p><img src="/images/beach.jpg" alt="Beach" /></p>
<p><cite>Image by <a href="https://pixabay.com/users/yeskay1211-6332528/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=2836300">Sathish kumar Periyasamy</a> from <a href="https://pixabay.com/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=2836300">Pixabay</a></cite></p>
<p>Welcome to my online book <em>Healthy Boundaries Made Simple</em>!</p>
<p>My name is Stewie, and I’ve distilled the best ideas about boundary setting from dozens of books on communication and interpersonal relationships. I’ve also incorporated lessons learned from coaching clients.</p>
<p>Time is short, so let’s dive in!</p>
<h2 id="table-of-contents" class="linked-heading">
<span class="heading-anchor-wrapper">
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Table of contents
</h2>
<ol>
<li><a href="#introduction">Introduction</a></li>
</ol>
<p><strong>Part 1: Boundaries theory</strong></p>
<ol>
<li><a href="#here-s-where-your-personal-boundaries-begin">Here’s where your personal boundaries begin</a></li>
<li><a href="#rules-for-respect">Rules for respect</a></li>
<li><a href="#consent-made-simple">Consent made simple</a></li>
<li><a href="#when-is-it-ok-to-say-no">When is it ok to say No?</a></li>
<li><a href="#don-t-give-unsolicited-advice">Don’t give unsolicited advice</a></li>
</ol>
<p><strong>Part 2: Boundaries in practice</strong></p>
<ol>
<li><a href="#kids-family-and-neighbors">Kids, family, and neighbors</a></li>
<li><a href="#how-to-say-no-to-peers">How to say No to peers</a></li>
<li><a href="#mistakes-from-stewie-s-life">Mistakes from Stewie’s life</a></li>
</ol>
<p><strong>Part 3: Learn more</strong></p>
<ol>
<li><a href="#recommended-reading">Recommended Reading</a></li>
</ol>
<p><strong>Part 4: Frequently Asked Questions</strong></p>
<ol>
<li><a href="#am-i-a-jerk-for-shaving-off-my-long-beard-even-though-my-wife-liked-my-beard">Am I a jerk for shaving off my long beard even though my wife liked my beard?</a></li>
<li><a href="#how-do-i-get-my-husband-to-do-more-chores">How do I get my husband to do more chores?</a></li>
<li><a href="#how-do-i-convince-my-wife-to-grow-her-hair-out-like-when-we-were-dating">How do I convince my wife to grow her hair out like when we were dating?</a></li>
<li><a href="#how-do-i-persuade-my-wife-to-get-a-dog">How do I persuade my wife to get a dog?</a></li>
<li><a href="#how-do-i-convince-my-mom-to-stop-indoctrinating-my-twin-boys-when-she-babysits">How do I convince my Mom to stop indoctrinating my twin boys when she babysits?</a></li>
</ol>
<hr />
<h2 id="introduction" class="linked-heading">
<span class="heading-anchor-wrapper">
<a class="heading-anchor" aria-hidden="true" title="Jump to link" href="#introduction"><img src="/images/link_icon.png" alt="link icon" />
</a>
</span>
Introduction
</h2>
<p>This online book is for anyone who struggles to enforce healthy boundaries.</p>
<p>But can I tell you a secret? The biggest reason we don’t enforce personal boundaries is that we don’t know where they are. Not really. No one ever sat us down and said, “This is where your boundaries begin.” As a result, people walk all over us, and we second-guess ourselves about whether anything terrible even happened. We feel mistreated but have nothing to point to and say, “You’ve crossed this line!”</p>
<p>Our boundaries are fuzzy and shadowy and amorphous. We’re unclear on them until it’s too late, and we’ve allowed—or invited!—someone to tread on us like a dirty doormat.</p>
<p>If you’re…</p>
<ul>
<li>Unsure where boundaries began, this book is for you.</li>
<li>Unclear when it’s OK to push back, this book is for you.</li>
</ul>
<p><strong>Who is this book NOT for?</strong></p>
<p>If you want to “teach” another adult about boundaries, this book is not for you. (Honestly, others don’t need you to “fix” them!) A huge part of respecting boundaries is trusting other people to manage their lives. You can change your relationships, but not by changing other people.</p>
<p>If you want a quick fix or silver bullet, this book is not for you. The ideas are simple to understand but difficult to implement. As the old saying goes, they’re common sense but not common practice. You’ll need a lot of courage, and you’ll break a bunch of old habits. But if you’re ready to make lasting changes, read on!</p>
<p><a href="#table-of-contents">Back to top</a></p>
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<h2 id="here-s-where-your-personal-boundaries-begin" class="linked-heading">
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Here’s where your personal boundaries begin
</h2>
<p><img src="/images/yorkshire.jpg" alt="Yorkshire" /></p>
<p><cite>Image by <a href="https://pixabay.com/users/TimHill-5727184/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=2900064">Tim Hill</a> from <a href="https://pixabay.com/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=2900064">Pixabay</a></cite></p>
<p>In five minutes, you’re going to hate me.</p>
<p>But in five days, you’ll have better boundaries. And be a better person.</p>
<p>The secret formula to healthy boundaries is just a mindset: <strong>As an adult, I’m responsible for <em>everything</em> in my personal life. Likewise, you’re responsible for <em>everything</em> in your personal life. And we mind our own business.</strong></p>
<p>You might hear this and say, “Duh!” This attitude toward life seems obvious, yet few folks live this way. Instead, they waste their days meddling in others’ lives. And they allow—or invite!—interlopers to interfere in their own affairs.</p>
<p>Don’t do this. Take ownership of your life and trust others to govern theirs.</p>
<p>Let’s apply this principle to three areas of life.</p>
<h3 id="1-your-body">1. Your body</h3>
<p>You’re accountable for everything about your body: how you dress, what you eat, when you seek medical treatment, etc. You decide what’s best for your body because you must live with the consequences. Likewise, I’m accountable for everything about my body.</p>
<p>Sounds straightforward, right? Here’s the kicker: you’re not allowed to make comments about others’ bodies. No more suggestions about what they eat or snide remarks about what they wear. Why? Because other people’s bodies are not your responsibility.</p>
<p>Their body → their responsibility → their business.</p>
<p>In the same way, you don’t need anyone’s permission (or approval) to devour another Big Mac, decorate your body, or don a blazer. Furthermore, if someone doles out unsolicited advice, just walk away.</p>
<p>Your body → your responsibility → your business.</p>
<p>And if a busybody invites you to help them cast judgments about what someone wears to the summer barbecue, just shrug and say, “I’m not worried about what other people wear.”</p>
<p>Living like this makes it far easier to be friends with people who live differently than you.</p>
<h3 id="2-your-mind">2. Your mind</h3>
<p>You’re in charge of your mind. This includes your education, opinions, and beliefs. In the same way, I’m in charge of my mind.</p>
<p>As such, I have no business telling others what to think. I don’t need to persuade flat earthers that the earth is a sphere (although I won’t nominate them to run NASA). There’s a wide spectrum of creeds, and I refuse to squander my time by knocking every door and convincing every soul.</p>
<p>Here’s why:</p>
<ul>
<li>Half of what I believe is wrong—I just don’t know which half.</li>
<li>Life is fleeting. Why fritter it away arguing?</li>
</ul>
<p>I don’t care what thoughts others have so long as they don’t trespass boundaries and govern how I, or others, live.</p>
<p>At this point, you may conclude, “Stewie is full of crap. He has no idea what he’s talking about!” And that’s OK—I’m not obliged to convince you of anything.</p>
<p>You and I can disagree on some things and still be friends.</p>
<h3 id="3-your-obligations">3. Your obligations</h3>
<p>You’re responsible for your job, bills, and any kids you may have. Likewise, I’m responsible for my obligations.</p>
<p>By now, you see the pattern and where this freight train is headed: every person needs to mind own their business about work, finances, and childrearing. (Disclaimer: Society has a moral obligation to intervene when children are in danger.)</p>
<p>You and I spend money on different things and give our kiddos different bedtimes (or no bedtimes). And that’s OK. We can peacefully coexist without getting up in each other’s business. As my wife likes to say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys.”</p>
<p>We can have our own set of routines and traditions while at the same time getting along as friendly neighbors.</p>
<h3 id="this-is-hard">This is hard</h3>
<p>The concept is easy to grasp but difficult to implement. It’s certainly not my default setting. Growing up, I thought it was normal to constantly interfere in others’ affairs. We called it “being helpful.” Little did I know how it alienated people.</p>
<p>After a lot of introspection, I discovered three forces that drove my meddling:</p>
<ol>
<li>I didn’t trust others to manage their lives—they need me to fix them.</li>
<li>Intervening created the illusion of being needed—which feels good.</li>
<li>Meddling was a nice distraction from the grueling work of fixing my own life.</li>
</ol>
<p>Going deeper, sometimes, I want people to need my help, which encourages me to view others as helpless. The more incapable they are, the more they need me. This is a terrible way to view other people! Taken to its logical conclusion, I become everyone’s neurotic savior.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, everyone around me becomes estranged. This frustration is captured in Sara Bareilles’s song “King of Anything”:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>I hate to break it to you babe, but I’m not drowning<br />
There’s no one here to save</p>
</blockquote>
<h3 id="i-changed">I changed</h3>
<p>Nowadays, when I feel compelled to dive into other folks’ affairs, I stop and tell myself, “They can handle this. They don’t need saving.” But it’s a hard habit to break.</p>
<p>As I’ve changed, I’ve developed better relationships with the people closest to me. Friends and family are more comfortable telling me things because I won’t pounce on them with unsolicited advice. At work, I avoid entanglements, which allows me to focus and be productive. Lastly, I reclaimed time and energy to work on my goals. And life has never been better.</p>
<h3 id="conclusion">Conclusion</h3>
<p>Mom was wrong: The secret to getting along with others isn’t by always being helpful. Instead, create boundaries by adopting this mindset: <strong>I’m responsible for everything about my personal life, and I only judge myself.</strong></p>
<p>Specifically, don’t remark on how others look, eat, or dress. Don’t debate with them about what to believe. And lastly, don’t comment on how they handle their home or work obligations.</p>
<p>Living this way is hard at first. It requires time and patience to change ingrained behavior. But it’s worth it. As you transform, your closest relationships will transform. People will trust you more, and ironically, seek your counsel more often. And life will be amazing.</p>
<p><a href="#table-of-contents">Back to top</a></p>
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<h2 id="rules-for-respect" class="linked-heading">
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Rules for respect
</h2>
<p><img src="/images/lake.jpg" alt="Lake" /></p>
<p><cite>Image by <a href="https://pixabay.com/users/strikers-3532212/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=1802337">strikers</a> from <a href="https://pixabay.com/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=1802337">Pixabay</a></cite></p>
<p>Here are the rules for respecting others’ boundaries that I wish someone had handed me as a teen. I framed them following the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Golden_Rule">Golden Rule</a>, e.g., “I will treat people how I want to be treated.” and “I will not treat people how I don’t want to be treated.”</p>
<p>Enough preamble—on with the rules for respect.</p>
<h3 id="1-respect-in-relationships">1. Respect in relationships</h3>
<p><strong>a. Actions</strong> – I will be mindful of how my actions make others feel, just as I want others to be conscious of how their actions affect me.</p>
<p><strong>b. Unsolicited advice</strong> — I will think twice before offering unsolicited advice. I will choose to believe that others can solve their problems and manage their lives just as I want them to believe that I can manage mine.</p>
<p><strong>c. Negging</strong> — I will not undermine another person’s self-confidence (so they want/need my approval), just as I don’t want others to undermine my self-confidence.</p>
<h3 id="2-respect-in-conversations">2. Respect in conversations</h3>
<p><strong>a. Interrupting</strong> — I will not interrupt other people just as I don’t want to be interrupted.</p>
<p><strong>b. Negative comments</strong> — I will not make snide remarks about another’s appearance or how they run their life, just as I don’t want comments made about me.</p>
<p><strong>c. Demeaning nicknames</strong> — I will not belittle people with degrading nicknames—which suggest that they’re deficient and unworthy of respect—just as I don’t want this done to me.</p>
<p><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_nicknames_used_by_Donald_Trump">Here’s an egregious example of negative nicknames</a>.</p>
<h3 id="3-respect-for-personal-space">3. Respect for personal space</h3>
<p><strong>a. Touching</strong> — I will not touch others (without their permission) just as I don’t want them to touch me.</p>
<p><strong>b. Breathing Room</strong> — I will not invade another’s space just as I don’t want others to invade mine.</p>
<p>Related: <a href="/how-to-defend-your-personal-space-with-soft-resistance/">How To Defend Your Personal Space With Soft Resistance</a></p>
<h3 id="4-respect-in-negotiation">4. Respect in negotiation</h3>
<p><strong>a. Pouting</strong> — I will not pout (i.e., try to make another feel bad and concede) just as I don’t want others to pout.</p>
<p><strong>b. Badgering</strong> — I will not endlessly try to persuade someone just as I don’t want people to badger me.</p>
<p><strong>c. Threats</strong> — I will not threaten to harm others (or myself) if folks don’t comply, just as I don’t want others to make threats.</p>
<p><strong>d. Blackmail</strong> — I will not threaten to expose a vulnerability just as I don’t want to be blackmailed.</p>
<h3 id="5-respect-food-choices">5. Respect food choices</h3>
<p><strong>a. Comments</strong> — I will not remark on what others eat (or don’t eat), just as I don’t want people making comments about my choices.</p>
<p><strong>b. Diets</strong> — I will not remind folks of their eating plans or dietary restrictions, just as I don’t want others to comment on my food choices.</p>
<p><strong>c. Ordering</strong> — I will not order food for others (without their permission) just as I don’t want food ordered for me.</p>
<h3 id="6-respect-on-the-internet">6. Respect on the Internet</h3>
<p><strong>a. Trolling</strong> — I will not post inflammatory things online that upset folks, just as I don’t want people to troll me.</p>
<p><strong>b. Doxing</strong> — I will not post others’ private or personally identifying info, just as I don’t want to be doxed.</p>
<p><strong>c. Harassment</strong> — I will not intimidate or attack other people online, just as I don’t want to be harassed.</p>
<p><strong>d. Photos/Videos</strong> — I will not post photos or videos of others online without their express consent. Furthermore, I will remove photos and videos if asked, just as I want folks to do the same for me.</p>
<h3 id="7-respect-for-others-time">7. Respect for others’ time</h3>
<p><strong>a. Punctuality</strong> — I will strive to arrive on time just as I want others to be punctual.</p>
<p><strong>b. Micromanaging</strong> — I will not tell people how to spend their time, just as I don’t want folks telling me how to spend my time.</p>
<h3 id="8-respect-in-public-spaces">8. Respect in public spaces</h3>
<p><strong>a. Loud talking</strong> — I will be mindful of how my voice carries in public areas (e.g., buses, restrooms, waiting rooms) so that others may have conversations just as I want others to grant me the same courtesy.</p>
<p><strong>b. Sprawling</strong> — I will be mindful of how much space I take up and make room for others just as I want others to make room for me.</p>
<p><strong>c. Blocking</strong> — I will not block others’ entrance or exit just as I don’t want my path obstructed.</p>
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<p><img src="/images/red-flowers.jpg" alt="Red flowers" /></p>
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<h2 id="consent-made-simple" class="linked-heading">
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Consent made simple
</h2>
<p>The Golden Rule can teach us a lot about boundaries and consent.</p>
<p>Let’s start with three easy scenarios:</p>
<ol>
<li>Your car is your property. No one borrows it without your consent.</li>
<li>Your home is your domain, and a door-to-door salesperson does not enter without your consent.</li>
<li>Your body is part of you, and a person may not caress your face without your consent.</li>
</ol>
<p>Likewise, you don’t borrow someone’s things, enter their residence, or touch them without permission.</p>
<p>Easy stuff, right? Let’s dive deeper.</p>
<h3 id="consent-is-all-about-saying-yes">Consent is all about saying Yes</h3>
<p>Some people think consent is about saying No. And if someone fails to say No, they’ve consented. Rubbish!</p>
<p>Consent is all about saying Yes.</p>
<p>Here’s why: Imagine your boss asks to borrow your car. You feel uncomfortable and make an excuse, “Uhh… my car is kinda messy right now. Maybe another time?” You didn’t say No, so is it OK for your boss to drive off in your car? Of course not. You must first say Yes.</p>
<p>Similarly, salespeople don’t waltz into your home when you say, “Right now isn’t a great time for a fancy vacuum demonstration.” They must stay outside unless you invite them in, which is a form of Yes.</p>
<p>This principle holds for intimate situations, too. Touching, kissing, and sex require a Yes from both parties. And this Yes can be nonverbal.</p>
<p>And if you’re ever in a coma (or even just intoxicated), you can’t consent to anything.</p>
<h3 id="consent-is-ongoing">Consent is ongoing</h3>
<p>Consent is not a contract, where you sign a document and are bound by its terms. Instead, consent is a living agreement that you can revoke at any time. For any reason.</p>
<p>For example: You invite a salesperson into your living room to regale you with the wonders of their latest vacuum. You can still revoke your consent at any time. Without explanation.</p>
<p>Also, past consent doesn’t imply future consent. Maybe you let a salesperson in yesterday but not today. Or maybe you lent your lawnmower to your neighbor last week but not this week.</p>
<p>So, strive to treat people with the same respect. Pay attention to how other people feel. Have you overstayed your welcome at the Halloween party? Is your neighbor really OK with your keeping their chainsaw for another week?</p>
<p>And yes, this applies to sex, too. Consent is ongoing, and you can rescind it. So create opportunities for your partner to respond with a Yes or No. Ask them questions like, “May I…? Do you like this? Is this OK?” And bear in mind that many responses will be nonverbal.</p>
<h3 id="parting-thoughts">Parting thoughts</h3>
<p>The Golden Rule says to treat people the way you wish to be treated. And this applies to consent, too. We want folks to wait for a Yes before borrowing personal property, entering our homes, or touching our bodies. Therefore, we should treat others the same way.</p>
<p>Furthermore, consent is an ongoing agreement and may be revoked at any time. So pay attention to how the other party feels. Are they OK with what’s happening? Do they want to continue?</p>
<p>As Jasper Jane says, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EfcrxsRKoIU">consent should be active, enthusiastic, and ongoing</a>.</p>
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<h2 id="when-is-it-ok-to-say-no" class="linked-heading">
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When is it OK to say No?
</h2>
<p><img src="/images/path.jpg" alt="Path" /></p>
<p><cite>Image by <a href="https://pixabay.com/photos/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=918900">Free-Photos</a> from <a href="https://pixabay.com/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=918900">Pixabay</a></cite></p>
<p>One reader wrote:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>Dear Stewie, I keep getting roped into stuff I don’t want to do. When is it OK to say No?</p>
</blockquote>
<p>This is a fantastic question and something we all struggle with. And my answer is simple: <strong>Say No to any adult at any time, so you are free to say Yes to the right things.</strong></p>
<p>Two examples:</p>
<ol>
<li>Everyone at work is going to a movie. Is it OK to say No? Absolutely!</li>
<li>Your spouse asks you to make dinner. Is it OK to say No? Of course!</li>
</ol>
<p>I know this may sound extreme, but you’re not obligated to give your time to other people, just as no one is required to give you their time. Your time is yours and yours alone. Let’s use this as a baseline and then delve into exceptions.</p>
<p>Four cases where you should say Yes:</p>
<h3 id="1-you-want-to-maintain-a-relationship">1. You want to maintain a relationship.</h3>
<p>Relationships need ongoing shared experiences to survive and thrive. You might go to a movie your friend picked just to spend time with them or make dinner for your spouse because they’ve had a stressful day, and a nice meal will delight them. You don’t do these things because you feel obligated but because you care about nurturing your relationship. Viewed through this lens, saying Yes to people we care about is not a burden but a joy.</p>
<p>Just beware of one-sided relationships, e.g., your friend always chooses the movies. Inequities are a sign of an unhealthy relationship.</p>
<h3 id="2-your-spouse-asks-you-to-take-out-the-trash">2. Your spouse asks you to take out the trash.</h3>
<p>A modern household has many chores, e.g., cleaning, laundry, and maintenance. No one loves to do housework—it’s work after all!—but everyone benefits when the work is complete. And the bigger the household, the more work there is.</p>
<p>So, keep this in mind before saying No to a task. Instead of complaining, ask yourself what life would look like if no one did this chore for a whole year.</p>
<h3 id="3-you-have-accepted-an-obligation">3. You have accepted an obligation.</h3>
<p>Some commitments are short-lived, while others are long-lasting.</p>
<p>For example, you may be a caregiver to someone in a wheelchair. They might need help reaching things on a high shelf or traversing a steep ramp but not need help with other life tasks, such as navigating friendships, finding a job, and filing their taxes. As such, you’re obligated to assist them with things they cannot reasonably do. At the same time, you’re not required to do anything they can do themselves.</p>
<h3 id="4-youre-in-a-position-to-help-someone-in-danger">4. You’re in a position to help someone in danger.</h3>
<p>We have a moral obligation to help others in peril, though the guidelines about when/how to save them are murky. Use your best judgment.</p>
<h3 id="parting-thoughts-1">Parting thoughts</h3>
<p>You may say No to anyone at any time. But you don’t get to choose how they react or the lasting consequences. So, before you tell someone No, ask yourself:</p>
<ul>
<li>Do I want to maintain a relationship?</li>
<li>Am I being asked to maintain my own household?</li>
<li>Did I accept an obligation?</li>
<li>Are they in danger?</li>
</ul>
<p>Saying No to unimportant stuff frees up time so you can say Yes to the right things. And that’s really the point here: Say No to inconsequential matters, so you have time to say Yes to what’s essential. At the end of each day, ask yourself, “Am I saying Yes to the right stuff?”</p>
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<h2 id="don-t-give-unsolicited-advice" class="linked-heading">
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Don’t Give Unsolicited Advice
</h2>
<p><img src="/images/birds-conversation-medium.jpg" alt="Birds" /></p>
<p>Can I confess something? I love giving unsolicited advice. My instinct is to jump in as soon as I see someone struggle and offer my very best, top-notch, knee-jerk advice. Put simply, I blurt out the first obvious thing that occurs to me. What’s not obvious to me is that they also thought of the obvious thing.</p>
<p>Ironic, no?</p>
<p>But you know what’s really weird? I don’t love receiving unsolicited advice. I don’t want to hear about the obvious suggestion that popped into someone else’s head. (Am I a cantankerous old man? Absolutely.) In most cases, the advice-giver lacks the context to give good suggestions. They’re oblivious to my goals, constraints, and everything I’ve already tried to solve my problem.</p>
<p>But the steady stream of unhelpful advice never ends. It’s like that quote from Bernard Williams:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>Unsolicited advice is the junk mail of life.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Examples of junk-mail advice from Stewie’s life:</p>
<ol>
<li>When I feel down, one friend always sends me Tony Robbins videos.</li>
<li>When I have a cold, one coworker always recommends “more orange juice, as long as it’s organic and not from concentrate.”</li>
<li>When I need to shed extra pounds, one family member always suggests “just eat less” and some new-fangled fad diet from talk radio.</li>
</ol>
<p>Each of these well-intentioned people has some oversimplified—and sometimes bonkers!—solution to my problems. They’re a lot like Gus, the father from My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002), who believes that “every ailment from psoriasis to poison ivy can be cured with Windex.”</p>
<p>So I get annoyed when people peddle unsolicited advice. I know they’re trying to be helpful, which tempers my irritation, but their recommendations don’t help. And if this happens too often, I worry they don’t trust me to manage my own life.<br />
John Gray sums this up with:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn’t know what to do or that he can’t do it on his own.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>As a result, I try to restrain myself when doling out unsolicited advice. The urge is still omnipresent. I want to jump in and solve people’s problems, but I tell myself that they can manage their lives. I tell myself they’ll ask for advice when they need it.</p>
<p>So don’t hand out unsolicited advice. And when you feel tempted, remind yourself of three things:</p>
<h3 id="1-its-a-distraction">1. It’s a distraction</h3>
<p>Millions of people have the potential to be magnificent artists, musicians, and writers. But they never realize their potential because they fear rejection. They’re plagued by thoughts like, “What if I fail? What if everyone hates me? Or worse, what if no one ever notices me?”</p>
<p>This fear leads us to procrastinate. We invent “things to do” and hunt for “problems to solve.” And the easiest way to fill time—and the most interesting!—is to jump into other peoples’ business and tell them how to solve their problems.</p>
<p>We distract ourselves by getting embroiled with other people’s drama. It starts by giving out unsolicited advice, and then when the drama deepens, we give even more advice and become further entangled.</p>
<p>Don’t do this. Acknowledge your fear of rejection and push through it. Do the thing that scares you. Ignore others’ drama and work toward mastering your craft and achieving your goals.</p>
<h3 id="2-lack-of-context">2. Lack of Context</h3>
<p>The advice we give people is only as good as our context. And we seldom see the whole problem, with its multiple facets and perspectives. Worse yet, we often don’t understand how little we know.</p>
<p>It’s like that time my coworker heard me cough over Zoom and said, “Are you sick? Are you drinking enough organic orange juice??” This guy meant well but didn’t know I had a sinus infection. And bronchitis. Furthermore, he had no training in treating respiratory infections. But he didn’t know what he didn’t know and therefore spouted unhelpful advice.</p>
<p>So don’t be like orange-juice dude. Before you give advice, consider how little context you have. Do you really understand the whole situation?</p>
<h3 id="3-responsibility">3. Responsibility</h3>
<p>I’m not a financial advisor, nor do I play one on TV. I barely have enough knowledge to manage my own affairs.</p>
<p>Similarly, I’m not a trained medical professional. I have enough information to manage my own medical conditions and take care of my own body, but I’m woefully unqualified to recommend how others manage their health.</p>
<p>As such, I hesitate to give anyone any sort of financial or medical advice. I’d feel terrible if I spouted some off-the-cuff advice and things turned out poorly for the other person. I’d feel responsible if they had to live with the consequences of acting on my ill-informed suggestions.</p>
<p>Seriously, I don’t want that sort of responsibility. And neither do you.</p>
<h3 id="conclusion-1">Conclusion</h3>
<p>Don’t give unsolicited advice.</p>
<p>That’s it. That’s the whole conclusion.</p>
<p>There’s really nothing else to say here. Just pause when you feel the urge to jump in and solve someone’s problems. Tell yourself, “I trust people to manage their affairs.”</p>
<p>And if someone gives you unsolicited advice, just nod your head and go about your day. Or if you’re a troll, like me, you can misconstrue their advice, as Bonnie McFarlane did:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>When you’re pregnant, people feel like they can come up and give you unsolicited advice. When I was nine months pregnant, this one woman came up and she said, I have one word for you: epidural. And I was like, Oh my God, thanks. But we already picked a name.</p>
</blockquote>
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<h2 id="kids-family-and-neighbors" class="linked-heading">
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Kids, Family, and Neighbors
</h2>
<p><img src="/images/kitten.jpg" alt="Kitten" /></p>
<p>Boundaries may sound fine and dandy in theory, but let’s apply them to real-life situations.</p>
<h3 id="raising-my-kids">Raising my kids</h3>
<p>My two kids are dependent on my wife and me for numerous things like food, shelter, and reasonable bedtimes. But they are responsible for several tasks.</p>
<p>They are responsible for cleaning their rooms, getting dressed in the morning, and some basic household chores. They are responsible for managing friendships with kids in the neighborhood. Unless someone is injured, we don’t intervene.</p>
<p>For the most part, we require them to do things that they can do themselves.</p>
<p>When they need help with something, we require them to ask for help instead of making demands or behaving in a passive-aggressive manner. For example, at lunch yesterday, my daughter said, “I don’t have any ketchup for my hotdog!” To this, I responded, “If you want something, you know how to ask for it.” I did so only after she asked me to get her the ketchup. This might sound mean or unreasonable, but when you need help, your task is to make a proper request.</p>
<p>Lastly, we work hard at letting our kids feel what they feel in the moment. We don’t discount how they feel or distract them from their feelings. For example, a few days ago, my wife went to a church activity in the evening. Our daughter cried because she didn’t get a goodbye hug from mom. I sat on the couch with her, and we talked about how she felt sad. I acknowledged her feeling, but I didn’t tell her not to feel sad. I didn’t distract her with a toy or a screen. I just let her feel sad. After a few minutes, she felt better and asked that I play a game with her, which I was happy to do.</p>
<h3 id="extended-family">Extended family</h3>
<p>Look up “Extended Family” in the dictionary, and the first entry will be “Drama.” (OK, not really, but it should be!)</p>
<p>At any given moment, someone in your extended family faces serious health challenges, someone feels the weight of financial troubles, and a whole bunch of people are not talking to that one uncle. In each case, you’ll feel tempted to get involved, interfere, or intervene. Everyone wants to tell everyone else how to run their damn life!</p>
<p>Some folks will go so far as to recruit other family members and build a coalition of like-minded people to stage an intervention. They’ll defend their actions with, “I’m just trying to help!” But it’s not helpful.</p>
<p>For example, say your Aunt has type-two diabetes and consumes 400 fruit punch flavored Jolly Ranchers daily. Should you say something to her? No, it’s not your task to tell to stop eating candy. (She already knows!). And it’s not your task to take away her candy. Your relationship with her has nothing to do with this. And it’s wrong to say, “I will avoid them because they keep eating candy.”</p>
<p>Another example: Your uncle has done something that royally pissed off a bunch of nieces and nephews, but it doesn’t involve you. Should you jump in and pick a side? Nope. Just because people are mad at your uncle doesn’t mean you should give him the cold shoulder and never speak to him again.</p>
<p>When you have a beef with somebody in your family, you don’t want the rest of your family to gang up against you. So don’t take sides and gang up against others.</p>
<h3 id="neighbors">Neighbors</h3>
<p>There’s an old saying: “Good fences make good neighbors.” While the word “fences” generally refers to a physical barrier between properties, it also refers to healthy boundaries between you and your neighbors.</p>
<p>Your neighbors:</p>
<ul>
<li>Eat and drink differently than you.</li>
<li>Have different friends and social engagements.</li>
<li>Go to bed and get up at different times than you.</li>
<li>Have different rules for their kids.</li>
</ul>
<p>And that’s OK. Neighbors have their own lives and their tasks. It’s not your job to tell them how to live their lives.</p>
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<h2 id="how-to-say-no-to-peers" class="linked-heading">
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How to say No to peers
</h2>
<p><img src="/images/camping.jpg" alt="Camping" /></p>
<p><cite>Image by <a href="https://pixabay.com/users/chulmin1700-15022416/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=4817872">chulmin park</a> from <a href="https://pixabay.com/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=4817872">Pixabay</a></cite></p>
<p>A reader wrote:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>Dear Stewie, my neighbor invited me to go camping with his family. I hate camping. I want to sleep in my own bed and not on the hard and cold ground. I don’t want bugs crawling in my mouth.<br />
How do I say No?</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Saying No is difficult. We worry about hurting others and losing their approval. As a result, we agree to numerous things we don’t want to do, only to resent it later.</p>
<p>Digging down, what we really want is to feel OK saying No. We want to feel capable of declining an invitation without the world crashing down around us.</p>
<p>Now I don’t have a panacea, but I do have six strategies that help me feel OK saying No:</p>
<h3 id="1-remember-that-saying-no-is-uncomfortable-for-everyone">1. Remember that saying No is uncomfortable for everyone</h3>
<p>Modern life is incredibly complicated. We could devote eleven lifetimes to meeting all of the requests—and demands!—from our work, family, hobbies, civic duties, etc. As a result, we have to say No to many things, which makes us uncomfortable. That much is obvious.</p>
<p>What’s not obvious is that <em>everyone</em> feels discomfort as they say No to hundreds of things. Everyone is in the same boat as you.</p>
<p>So take comfort in knowing that you’re not alone. You’re not the only person who regularly has to say No to all sorts of stuff. And you’re not the only person who, as Brené Brown advises, needs to “choose discomfort over resentment.”</p>
<h3 id="2-turn-the-tables">2. Turn the tables</h3>
<p>Imagine you invited your neighbor to your upcoming Dungeons & Dragons night, but they don’t like D&D. In fact, they find anything fantasy-related to be incredibly boring. They haven’t even seen the first Lord of the Rings movie all the way through because they always fall asleep during the first 30 minutes.</p>
<p>So imagine this neighbor politely declined your invite to D&D night. They said, “Thanks, but that’s not really my jam.”</p>
<p>Would you get mad? Or irate? Would you flip over tables and chairs? Of course not! You’re a reasonable person. You might feel a tinge of disappointment, but you’d get over it. Furthermore, you’d prefer they say No instead of showing up and being miserable the whole time.</p>
<p>Similarly, you should trust that your neighbor won’t freak out if you say No. Trust them to behave like a reasonable adult.</p>
<h3 id="3-remember-that-life-is-short">3. Remember that life is short</h3>
<p>We have a limited number of days left before we die. Much of this time is spent on our day job and household chores. And too often, there’s precious little time for recreation.</p>
<p>So don’t squander limited free time on recreation you don’t like.</p>
<h3 id="4-stop-seeking-others-approval">4. Stop seeking others’ approval</h3>
<p>You’ll always get sucked into unpleasant activities until you cease craving others’ approval. Stop approval-seeking, and your life will get simpler and brighter.</p>
<p>Now, this is easier said than done. Here are two exercises that help me:</p>
<ol>
<li>Imagine you have just 24 hours to live. Would you go camping? No. Would you worry about your neighbor’s opinion? Not a chance! You’d spend time doing what you wanted to do. You’d be free from worrying about what others think (or what you think they think about you)<br />
Next, imagine you had six months to live: Would you go camping?</li>
<li>Imagine your neighbor dislikes you. They give you the stink eye anytime you see them. Could you be OK with this? Could you still have a good life? Would you still have food, shelter, and medical care? Yes. Do the people closest to you still love you? Of course!<br />
So why trouble yourself with your neighbor’s opinion?</li>
</ol>
<h3 id="5-find-a-role-model">5. Find a role model</h3>
<p>I have a friend I’ll call Mickey, and he is exceptionally good at diplomatically saying No to stuff he doesn’t want to do: Want to buy overpriced tickets for Disney On Ice this weekend? No thanks. Want to help me re-roof my house? No thanks.</p>
<p>At the same time, Mickey regularly suggests activities and shared experiences that we would both enjoy. This way, our friendship remains strong.</p>
<p>So, when I have a hard time saying No, I ask, “How would Mickey handle this?” And this gives me good ideas on how to graciously say No.</p>
<p>You need a Mickey you can look to.</p>
<h3 id="6-make-sure-you-actually-say-no">6. Make sure you actually say No</h3>
<p>If you decline the invitation by saying, “Yah, maybe next time,” with a smile, your neighbor will hear, “I should invite them in the future.” Don’t do this. Instead, say, “Thank you, but camping isn’t really my thing.” This politely declines the invitation and closes the door to future invites.</p>
<p>And, ultimately, that’s what you want—a way to decline invitations without feeling like a horrible person. You want to say No and not get ensnared in things you don’t want to do.</p>
<p>Just remember that saying No is uncomfortable for everyone, but turning the tables can help. Also, limit approval-seeking, and you’ll be well on your way to establishing healthy boundaries and feeling OK with saying No.</p>
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<h2 id="mistakes-from-stewie-s-life" class="linked-heading">
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Mistakes from Stewie’s life
</h2>
<p><img src="/images/wrong-way.jpg" alt="Wrong Way Sign" /></p>
<p><cite>Image by <a href="https://pixabay.com/users/geralt-9301/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=98375">Gerd Altmann</a> from <a href="https://pixabay.com/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=98375">Pixabay</a></cite></p>
<p>When I got married, I believed my job was to solve my wife’s problems. Big mistake. Whenever she had a conflict with a family member or someone at work, I’d jump in and try (but fail!) to solve her problems. With limited understanding, I’d lay out a plan detailing how to fix <em>everything</em>. Whenever she felt stressed about an upcoming project or deadline, I would tell her exactly what to do.</p>
<p>So it should come as no surprise to you, gentle reader, that my interference pissed off my wife. She didn’t want me to solve her problems, nor did she even want advice. Instead, she just wanted me to listen and help her feel heard.</p>
<p>It’s like that quote from Laurie Buchanan:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>When we listen, we hear someone into existence.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>But I was more interested in solving her problems. I wanted to be the hero. Turns out, solving my wife’s problems was actually about me.</p>
<p><strong>At work</strong></p>
<p>Early in my career, I told my boss how to do his job. I thought I knew best. I was always polite about it, but I believed I had some fantastic counsel to share with my manager. These conversations never ended well. I damaged my relationship with my boss, and he stopped sharing information with me. Eventually, he came to see me as a judgmental jerk. And he was right.</p>
<p>In retrospect, I didn’t have sufficient information to give good advice. Worrying about other people, their tasks, and what they were doing used up valuable time and emotional energy that I should’ve directed toward my work. As a consequence, my work suffered.</p>
<p>Nowadays, I worry about my own job. I figure out what I’m responsible for and then take care of those responsibilities. And I don’t tell my boss or coworkers how to do their job.</p>
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<h2 id="recommended-reading" class="linked-heading">
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Recommended Reading
</h2>
<ul>
<li><em>Nonviolent Communication</em> by Marshall Rosenberg</li>
<li><em>The Courage to be Disliked</em> by Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi</li>
<li><em>The Gifts of Imperfection</em> by Brené Brown</li>
</ul>
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<h2 id="frequently-asked-questions" class="linked-heading">
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Frequently Asked Questions
</h2>
<h3 id="am-i-a-jerk-for-shaving-off-my-long-beard-even-though-my-wife-liked-my-beard" class="linked-heading">
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</a>
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Am I a jerk for shaving off my long beard even though my wife liked my beard?
</h3>
<p>One reader wrote:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>My wife has always had a thing for men with big bushy beards. And last Saturday, I shaved off my beard for the first time in three years. My wife didn’t like that one bit! She said she didn’t even recognize me. Am I a jerk for shaving off my beard?</p>
</blockquote>
<p>No, you’re not a jerk.</p>
<p>Part of setting healthy boundaries is acknowledging that your body is your own. You and you alone are responsible for your appearance and grooming. Similarly, your wife is responsible for her appearance, and it would be unreasonable for you to get mad if she adopted a different hairstyle.</p>
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<h3 id="how-do-i-get-my-husband-to-do-more-chores" class="linked-heading">
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</span>
How do I get my husband to do more chores?
</h3>
<p>One reader wrote:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>I love my husband, but he refuses to do any housework. Like, not a damn thing. We both work full-time, and I have to do everything! How do I handle this without violating personal boundaries?</p>
</blockquote>
<p>This is really tough. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. Your husband should <del>help with</del> do 50% of the housework because he benefits from clean clothes, clean dishes, cooked meals, etc.</p>
<p>Now, I don’t have any killer advice for you. But I have two strategies that may help:</p>
<h3 id="strategy-1-the-bossy-approach">Strategy 1: The Bossy Approach</h3>
<p>Make a list of all the weekly housework to be done. This includes things like sweeping, vacuuming, cleaning out the fridge, grocery shopping, paying numerous bills, cleaning 2 bathrooms, doing 4 loads of laundry, cooking 7 dinners, doing dishes 7 times, taking out the trash when it’s full, etc.</p>
<p>And if you have kids, the list is 2X longer!</p>
<p>Next, show your spouse the list. Ask, “Which chores will you own completely without any reminders from me?” Let them pick a couple from the list. Let them pledge to do just those jobs.</p>
<p>Next—and this is super important!—don’t remind them to do those jobs. Don’t hint that the sink is full of dirty dishes. Don’t nag them about how it’s laundry day, and you really need your work shirts/pants clean for work the next day.</p>
<p>Let them fail. Let them feel your frustration/anger/rage about how they had one job to do but instead played video games or watched sports.</p>
<p>When they fail, show them the list of all the work that has to be done to maintain a modern household. And ask them one question: <strong>Are you someone I can rely on?</strong></p>
<p>Now, if they repeatedly fail to do just a few things, they’re not someone you can rely on.</p>
<p>And who knows, maybe they will surprise you and do their chores. Perhaps they’ll gradually become OK with doing housework. I mean, no one loves doing housework; it’s work, after all! But the goal is to get them to the point where they’re willing to do half the housework.</p>
<h3 id="strategy-2-radical-acceptance">Strategy 2: Radical Acceptance</h3>
<p>Accept that you can’t change your husband. Not one bit. To be clear, people can change. They do it every day. But they have to <em>want</em> to change. (It’s cliché, I know. But it’s a cliché for a reason.) And the older they are, the less they want to change.</p>
<p>So assume that your husband will not change. Not at all. He’s going to keep playing video games or watching sports instead of helping with basic household chores. Do you still want to be with him? Do you want to spend the next five years—or 50 years!—with someone doesn’t share in household work?</p>
<p>Maybe you do want to spend your life with them. That’s totally OK. No judgment from me. But you need to be real and honest with yourself about your inability to change other people.</p>
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<h3 id="how-do-i-convince-my-wife-to-grow-her-hair-out-like-when-we-were-dating" class="linked-heading">
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</a>
</span>
How do I convince my wife to grow her hair out like when we were dating?
</h3>
<p>One reader wrote,</p>
<blockquote>
<p>I love my wife, but the short hairstyle just doesn’t work on her roundish head. How do I convince her to grow it out like when we were dating?</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Let’s guess how this will play out. You say, “Sweetie, I hate your hair. How about you grow it out?” (I know you’d be more diplomatic, but the message is the same.)</p>
<p>How will she feel about herself? And about you? How will she feel in two days, two weeks, and two months? Is this a road you want to go down?</p>
<p>Now let’s turn the tables: Do you want your love badgering you about your receding hairline and exploding waistline?</p>
<p>Here’s my advice: Don’t. Say. Anything. Your wife is an adult and responsible for choosing her hairstyle, just as you’re responsible for your appearance. Even though y’all are married, you have no business dictating how she looks. Stop trying to change others.</p>
<p>Furthermore, modern life is chaotic, and the last thing your love needs is more criticism. Especially from you. Be the person she can depend on for support and affection.</p>
<p>Lastly, life is short. You’ll both die someday, and you don’t know when. Do you really want to spend your precious time nagging each other?</p>
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<h3 id="how-do-i-persuade-my-wife-to-get-a-dog" class="linked-heading">
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</span>
How do I persuade my wife to get a dog?
</h3>
<p>One reader asked:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>How do I convince my wife to get a dog? I really want one, and I just don’t see what the problem is.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Well, gentle reader, I have some bad news: You don’t convince her.</p>
<p>Your wife doesn’t want a fluffy ball of joy. You probably need to accept this and move on.</p>
<p>This probably sounds incredibly unfair, and you probably think I’m a heartless booger (which I am!). I can’t offer you any killer negotiation tactics to help you strong-arm her and get your way.</p>
<p>Instead, I’ll share four perspectives to ease your disappointment.</p>
<h3 id="1-understanding-yourself">1. Understanding yourself</h3>
<p>Why do you want a dog? Like, deep down, what are your reasons?</p>
<p>Four common motivations:</p>
<p><strong>1) You want to feel loved.</strong> No matter what happens during the day, a dog will be delighted to see you. They provide emotional support.</p>
<p><strong>2) You want to love someone.</strong> Some folks have no idea how to properly love and take care of the emotional needs of others. But caring for a dog is straightforward.</p>
<p><strong>3) You want a loyal friend with few demands.</strong> Dogs don’t argue and or handle disappointment with passive-aggression.</p>
<p><strong>4) You want exercise.</strong> Having a dog will force you to walk it every day.</p>
<p>A poofy pooch is a fantastic way to meet these needs. But what other avenues can you pursue to meet these needs? Talk to your wife or a trusted friend about how they solved them. You might be surprised by what they reveal.</p>
<p>Maybe you had a dog as a kid (or were denied one!), and you feel like adulting is incomplete without a dog by your side. All of us are trying to relive aspects of our childhood.</p>
<p>This will be hard to hear, but you may need to let go of that perfect life you’ve imagined. Adulthood strolls in with the freedom to stay out all night and eat cheese puffs for breakfast, but it demands trade-offs. Part of growing up is letting go of that idealized version of life and embracing what life really is.</p>
<h3 id="2-understanding-your-wife">2. Understanding your wife</h3>
<p>In a healthy marriage, each partner will go to great lengths to make the other person happy. If your wife says No to a dog, she must have an excellent reason.</p>
<p>Here are nine common reasons why she may not want a cute ball of fur in her life:</p>
<ol>
<li>She dislikes dogs. They smell, shed, and slobber. They make messes, chew shoes, and annoy neighbors.</li>
<li>Dogs require a lot of work, e.g., feeding, walking, picking up poop, and cleaning up accidents. She worries this work will fall on her shoulders.</li>
<li>She’s allergic and doesn’t want to spend her days hopped up on allergy meds.</li>
<li>Dogs cost a lot of money, e.g., food, toys, and trips to the vet.</li>
<li>She’s scared of dogs. <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cynophobia">Cynophobia</a> is real.</li>
<li>Dogs have short lives, and she doesn’t want to become attached.</li>
<li>She worries about interactions with the pets you already have.</li>
<li>Dogs need a lot of space.</li>
<li>She has ethical concerns about dog breeding.</li>
</ol>
<p>Which of the above applies to your wife? I guarantee at least one does. Most likely, more than one applies.</p>
<p>You should ask the love of your life about her reasons. Just know, she may resist telling you at first because it will feel like a ploy to persuade her or wear her down. Don’t do that. Just listen to her.</p>
<p>Hearing her reasoning will help quell your frustration.</p>
<h3 id="3-marriage-as-an-infinite-game">3. Marriage as an infinite game</h3>
<p>Finite games have winners, losers, and an end. Think sports, elections, and watermelon seed spitting contests. Contrast that with <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tye525dkfi8">infinite games, which are the opposite</a>. They have no end, and the whole point of the game is to keep it going.</p>
<p>Marriage is an infinite game. The goal is to keep it going, to keep it alive. This means compromising on a variety of issues, like getting a furry angel.</p>
<p>In fact, every significant decision you and your wife make needs to have a Yes from both of you, or it’s an automatic No. Put another way, <a href="/the-veto-strategy-how-my-wife-and-i-make-decisions/">either of you can veto any major decision</a>. This ensures that every major decision is something you can both live with. This ensures the infinite game continues.</p>
<h3 id="4-your-wife-has-courage">4. Your wife has courage</h3>
<p>It’s easy, and even enjoyable, to say No to an enemy. But no one wants to tell the love of their life, “No, we can’t get that thing you really, really want.” It’s distressing.</p>
<p>Brené Brown’s mantra is “choose discomfort over resentment.” And your wife is doing this. She feels uneasy telling you she doesn’t want a dog because she wants to do things that bring you joy. But saying No is better than resenting you for years to come.</p>
<p>Your wife has courage.</p>
<h3 id="conclusion-2">Conclusion</h3>
<p>Next time you want to tell your partner all the reasons why getting a dog would be so amazing, just pause. Ask yourself:</p>
<ol>
<li>What needs are you trying to meet? How else can you meet them?</li>
<li>Why doesn’t she want a dog?</li>
<li>Is getting a dog more important than maintaining a happy marriage?</li>
</ol>
<p>Decide what game you want to play. Is it a finite one, where you win, and your lovey loses? Or is it an infinite one, where the hunger to get your way takes a step back and makes room for something bigger, better, and brighter?</p>
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<h3 id="how-do-i-convince-my-mom-to-stop-indoctrinating-my-twin-boys-when-she-babysits" class="linked-heading">
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How do I convince my Mom to stop indoctrinating my twin boys when she babysits?
</h3>
<p>One reader asked:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>How do I convince my Mom to stop indoctrinating my twin boys when she babysits? I left the [Redacted] church long ago, and I don’t want my kids brainwashed by its teachings.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Great question!</p>
<p>Being a parent is really hard. Kids need constant food, supervision, and when they’re young, diaper changes. And the only thing harder than having one kid is parenting twins. Double trouble all of the time.</p>
<p>There’s nothing better than having family members to babysit! Built-in babysitters are a lifesaver when you need to work, run errands, or have a simple reprieve.</p>
<p>With that said, this free labor comes with limitations. You see, babysitters are a package deal. You get someone to take care of your boys, but you also get their customs, traditions, and general approach to caregiving. And you get their religion, too, because it’s part of who they are. Part of the babysitting package.</p>
<p>There are exceptions to this. Your Mom must be mindful of anything that causes harm, e.g., food allergies.</p>
<p>But outside of that, you can’t require anything of your Mom. Even bedtimes—which I’m a huge fan of!—can’t be mandated. You might request that the boys be in bed by 8 PM, but she might let them stay up. She has autonomy and might feed them rocky road and Red Vines until the wee hours. And she might read them stories from her religious books.</p>
<p>This is doubly true when your kids stay at your Mom’s house. You can’t mandate what she says or does in her own home. Her house, her rules.</p>
<p>Now, if any of this sounds unreasonable or unfair, let’s consider the golden rule, which says: Treat people the way you want to be treated.</p>
<p>You don’t want people controlling what you say and do in your own home. Your house, your rules. Likewise, when you offer free babysitting, others can’t dictate your general approach to caregiving. They might request things, like a specific bedtime, but it’s really up to you as a caregiver to decide what to do.</p>
<p>When a parent asks you to babysit, they’re getting all of you. There’s no splitting the caregiving part of you off from the rest of your soul. No horcruxing allowed! You’re a whole person, and you bring all of yourself when you babysit. If someone doesn’t like that, they can find another babysitter.</p>
<p>So, to the reader who asked the original question, I would say you can’t require your Mom to not discuss her religion when she watches your kids. You can request that she not do this and then wait and see what she does. If she continues to share things you don’t like, perhaps it’s time to find a new babysitter.</p>
<p>In addition, this is a good time to share with your twins an age-appropriate version of what you believe. Express what’s in your heart, how you view morality, and how you decide what is ethical and fair. And just as importantly, show them what you believe with your actions, with how you treat them.</p>
<p>As your boys grow up, they’ll be exposed to a dozen different beliefs and worldviews. You can’t shield them from every ideology and philosophy. All you can do is show them what you believe and trust that they’ll figure things out for themselves.</p>
<p><a href="#table-of-contents">Back to top</a></p>StewieDon’t Give Unsolicited Advice2021-11-22T03:00:00-07:002021-11-22T03:00:00-07:00http://stewiewrites.com/unsolicited-advice<p><img src="/images/birds-conversation-medium.jpg" alt="Birds" /></p>
<p><em>This is part of my online book on <a href="/healthy-boundaries-made-simple/">Healthy Boundaries Made Simple</a></em>.</p>
<p>Can I confess something? I love giving unsolicited advice. My instinct is to jump in as soon as I see someone struggle and offer my very best, top-notch, knee-jerk advice. Put simply, I blurt out the first obvious thing that occurs to me. What’s not obvious to me is that they also thought of the obvious thing.</p>
<p>Ironic, no?</p>
<p>But you know what’s really weird? I don’t love receiving unsolicited advice. I don’t want to hear about the obvious suggestion that popped into someone else’s head. (Am I a cantankerous old man? Absolutely.) In most cases, the advice-giver lacks the context to give good suggestions. They’re oblivious to my goals, constraints, and everything I’ve already tried to solve my problem.</p>
<p>But the steady stream of unhelpful advice never ends. It’s like that quote from Bernard Williams:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>Unsolicited advice is the junk mail of life.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Examples of junk-mail advice from Stewie’s life:</p>
<ol>
<li>When I feel down, one friend always sends me Tony Robbins videos.</li>
<li>When I have a cold, one coworker always recommends “more orange juice, as long as it’s organic and not from concentrate.”</li>
<li>When I need to shed extra pounds, one family member always suggests “just eat less” and some new-fangled fad diet from talk radio.</li>
</ol>
<p>Each of these well-intentioned people has some oversimplified—and sometimes bonkers!—solution to my problems. They’re a lot like Gus, the father from My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002), who believes that “every ailment from psoriasis to poison ivy can be cured with Windex.”</p>
<p>So I get annoyed when people peddle unsolicited advice. I know they’re trying to be helpful, and this tempers my irritation, but their recommendations don’t help. And if this happens too often, I worry they don’t trust me to manage my own life.<br />
John Gray sums this up with:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn’t know what to do or that he can’t do it on his own.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>As a result, I try to restrain myself when it comes to doling out unsolicited advice. The urge is still omnipresent. I want to jump in and solve their problems, but I tell myself that they can manage their lives. I tell myself they’ll ask for advice when they need it.</p>
<p>So don’t hand out unsolicited advice. And when you feel tempted, remind yourself of three things:</p>
<h2 id="1-its-a-distraction">1. It’s a distraction</h2>
<p>Millions of people have the potential to be magnificent artists, musicians, and writers. But they never realize their potential because they fear rejection. They’re plagued by thoughts like, “What if I fail? What if everyone hates me? Or worse, what if no one ever notices me?”</p>
<p>This fear leads us to procrastinate. We invent “things to do” and hunt for “problems to solve.” And the easiest way to fill time—and the most interesting!—is to jump into other peoples’ business and tell them how to solve their problems.</p>
<p>We distract ourselves by getting embroiled with other people’s drama. It starts by giving out unsolicited advice, and then when the drama deepens, we give even more advice and become further entangled.</p>
<p>Don’t do this. Acknowledge your fear of rejection and push through it. Do the thing that scares you. Ignore others’ drama and work toward mastering your craft and achieving your goals.</p>
<h2 id="2-lack-of-context">2. Lack of Context</h2>
<p>The advice we give people is only as good as the context we have. And we seldom see the whole problem, with its multiple facets and perspectives. Worse yet, we often don’t understand how little we know.</p>
<p>It’s like that time my coworker heard me cough over Zoom and said, “Are you sick? Are you drinking enough organic orange juice??” This guy meant well but didn’t know that I had a sinus infection. And bronchitis. Furthermore, he had no training in treating respiratory infections. But he didn’t know what he didn’t know and therefore spouted unhelpful advice.</p>
<p>So don’t be like orange-juice dude. Before you give advice, consider how little context you have. Do you really understand the whole situation?</p>
<h2 id="3-responsibility">3. Responsibility</h2>
<p>I’m not a financial advisor, nor do I play one on TV. I barely have enough knowledge to manage my own affairs.</p>
<p>Similarly, I’m not a trained medical professional. I have enough information to manage my own medical conditions and take care of my own body, but I’m woefully unqualified to recommend how others manage their health.</p>
<p>As such, I hesitate to give anyone any sort of financial or medical advice. I’d feel terrible if I spouted some off-the-cuff advice and things turned out poorly for the other person. I’d feel responsible if they had to live with the consequences of acting on my ill-informed suggestions.</p>
<p>Seriously, I don’t want that sort of responsibility. And neither do you.</p>
<h2 id="conclusion">Conclusion</h2>
<p>Don’t give unsolicited advice.</p>
<p>That’s it. That’s the whole conclusion.</p>
<p>There’s really nothing else to say here. When you feel the urge to jump in and solve someone’s problems, just pause. Tell yourself, “I trust people to manage their affairs.”</p>
<p>And if someone gives you unsolicited advice, just nod your head and go about your day. Or if you’re a troll, like me, you can misconstrue their advice, as Bonnie McFarlane did:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>When you’re pregnant, people feel like they can come up and give you unsolicited advice. When I was nine months pregnant, this one woman came up and she said, I have one word for you: epidural. And I was like, Oh my God, thanks. But we already picked a name.</p>
</blockquote>StewieAsk Stewie: How Do I Convince Mom Not to Indoctrinate My Kids When She Babysits?2021-10-31T07:00:00-06:002021-10-31T07:00:00-06:00http://stewiewrites.com/mother-indoctrinate-babysit<p><img src="/images/boy-swing.jpg" alt="Boy swing" /></p>
<p><cite>Image by <a href="https://pixabay.com/users/hamxx005-4938170/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=2180703">hamxx005</a> from <a href="https://pixabay.com/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=2180703">Pixabay</a></cite></p>
<p><em>This is part of my online book on <a href="/healthy-boundaries-made-simple/">Healthy Boundaries Made Simple</a></em>.</p>
<p>One reader asked:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>How do I convince my Mom to stop indoctrinating my twin boys when she babysits? I left the [Redacted] church long ago, and I don’t want my kids brainwashed by its teachings.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Great question!</p>
<p>Being a parent is really hard. Kids need constant food, supervision, and when they’re young, diaper changes. And the only thing harder than having one kid is parenting twins. Double trouble all of the time.</p>
<p>There’s nothing better than having family members to babysit! Built-in babysitters are a lifesaver when you need to work, run errands, or have a simple reprieve.</p>
<p>With that said, this free labor comes with limitations. You see, babysitters are a package deal. You get someone to take care of your boys, but you also get their customs, traditions, and general approach to caregiving. And you get their religion, too, because it’s part of who they are. Part of the babysitting package.</p>
<p>There are exceptions to this. Your Mom must be mindful of anything that causes harm, e.g., food allergies.</p>
<p>But outside of that, you can’t require anything of your Mom. Even bedtimes—which I’m a huge fan of!—can’t be mandated. You might request that the boys be in bed by 8 PM, but she might let them stay up. She has autonomy and might feed them rocky road and Red Vines until the wee hours. And she might read them stories from her religious books.</p>
<p>This is doubly true when your kids stay at your Mom’s house. You can’t mandate what she says or does in her own home. Her house, her rules.</p>
<p>Now, if any of this sounds unreasonable or unfair, let’s consider the golden rule, which says: Treat people the way you want to be treated.</p>
<p>You don’t want people controlling what you say and do in your own home. Your house, your rules. Likewise, when you offer free babysitting, others can’t dictate your general approach to caregiving. They might request things, like a specific bedtime, but it’s really up to you as a caregiver to decide what to do.</p>
<p>When a parent asks you to babysit, they’re getting all of you. There’s no splitting the caregiving part of you off from the rest of your soul. No horcruxing allowed! You’re a whole person, and when you babysit, you bring all of you. If someone doesn’t like that, they can find another babysitter.</p>
<p>So, to the reader who asked the original question, I would say you can’t require your Mom to not discuss her religion when she watches your kids. You can request that she not do this and then wait and see what she does. If she continues to share things you don’t like, perhaps it’s time to find a new babysitter.</p>
<p>In addition, this is a good time to share with your twins an age-appropriate version of what you believe. Express what’s in your heart, how you view morality, and how you decide what is ethical and fair. And just as importantly, show them what you believe with your actions, with how you treat them.</p>
<p>As your boys grow up, they’ll be exposed to a dozen different beliefs and worldviews. You can’t shield them from every ideology and philosophy. All you can do is show them what you believe and trust that they’ll figure things out for themselves.</p>StewieStop Calling People “Toxic.” (Do This Instead.)2021-10-17T01:00:00-06:002021-10-17T01:00:00-06:00http://stewiewrites.com/stop-calling-people-toxic<p>Good morning friends!</p>
<p>Can I tell you something that troubles me? It’s when people label other humans as “toxic.”</p>
<p>They rage, mainly on the Internet, about their “toxic friends,” “toxic family,” and how the world is just chock full of “toxic people.” Whenever someone close to them behaves unpleasantly, they publish scathing screeds, discussing how “he is toxic” or “she is toxic.” As if these unpleasant persons were a malignant ooze that will be radioactive for the next hundred millennia.</p>
<p>Labeling other humans as “toxic” has no basis in reality but feeds our righteous superiority. We raise ourselves up by looking down on others. And our ego eats this up!</p>
<p>Classifying others as “toxic” is a type of performative outrage and has gained traction in the last decade. Let’s look at three examples.</p>
<p><strong>1. Google searches for “toxic people”:</strong></p>
<p><img src="/images/trends_toxic_people.png" alt="Toxic people" /></p>
<p><strong>2. Google searches for “toxic friends”:</strong></p>
<p><img src="/images/trends_toxic_friends.png" alt="Toxic friends" /></p>
<p><strong>3. Google searches for “he is toxic” and “she is toxic”:</strong></p>
<p><img src="/images/trends_he_is_toxic.png" alt="He is toxic" /></p>
<p>Using terms like “toxic” to label other humans gives us a feeling of moral superiority. We pretend like other people are inherently bad. And even subhuman. This process of “othering” gives us license to punish, and even treat these “others” like animals. After all, basic respect and human rights are only for actual humans, right? (That last sentence is extreme, but humanity has a long history of categorizing groups as subhuman and then butchering them. See <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genocide">Genocide</a>.)</p>
<p>So I want us to stop calling people “toxic.” I want us to stop “othering” other people. Instead, let’s think of everyone, even when they misbehave, as fellow humans.</p>
<p>Now, this is all abstract and easier said than done. When someone irritates us or hurts us, how do we resist thinking they’re a terrible person? How do we resist assuming their character is corrupt?</p>
<p>I certainly don’t have all the answers, but the following mental model is incredibly helpful. It explains why people act up, and in many cases, it explains what to do about it.</p>
<h2 id="the-mental-model">The mental model</h2>
<p>All of us have some basic needs<sup id="fnref:needs" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:needs" class="footnote" rel="footnote">1</a></sup>, including:</p>
<ol>
<li>Physical needs such as food, shelter, and sleep</li>
<li>Emotional needs such as respect, connection, and autonomy.</li>
</ol>
<p>When some of our needs are not met, we experience negative feelings. And these feelings trigger negative behavior. When we’re tired, hungry, or feel micromanaged, we feel grumpy or angry and react negatively to everyone around us. This is especially true when people disrespect us or threaten our safety.</p>
<p>Put simply: Unmet needs → bad behavior.</p>
<p>The way to resolve negative behavior is to resolve the unmet needs that precipitate it<sup id="fnref:book" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:book" class="footnote" rel="footnote">2</a></sup>. When someone is hungry and sleep-deprived, they’ll be cranky. And the only remedy is food and rest. Telling them to stop being irritable, or worse, calling them “toxic,” won’t improve the situation.</p>
<h2 id="not-excusing-bad-behavior">Not excusing bad behavior</h2>
<p>This mental model is not an excuse for misbehavior. When someone hurts you, it doesn’t matter which of their needs were unmet. The harm they inflict is independent of what’s going on with their personal lives. Insulting words still sting. Punches still break bones. Or worse.</p>
<p>In addition, this mental model is not an invitation to surrender to abuse. You must fight mistreatment, seek protection, or run away. (Yes, running away is sometimes the best course.) There is no virtue in needless suffering. There’s no virtue in being a doormat.</p>
<p>We all have a fundamental need for safety and autonomy. (More on autonomy later.) As such, we must call out bad behavior. We should protect ourselves against the assholes of the world while recognizing that their behavior is a symptom of unmet needs.</p>
<p>Specifically, when a stranger threatens you online and violates your need for safety, you must protect yourself. Your need for safety trumps the stranger’s unmet needs. Furthermore, you have no obligation to understand the specifics of their unmet needs. And you certainly have no obligation to meet the needs of people who threaten you.</p>
<p>At the same time, we can’t force others to mend their ways. We can’t mandate change. Bad behavior persists until unmet needs are resolved. The only things we control are our responses and whom we spend time with.</p>
<h2 id="example-1-jean-valjean">Example 1: Jean Valjean</h2>
<p>Let’s start with something straightforward. In <em>Les Misérables</em>, Jean Valjean is the protagonist and supports his sister and her seven children. But Jean can’t find work.</p>
<p>From the book:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>It was a sad group, which misery was grasping and closing upon, little by little. There was a very severe winter; Jean had no work, the family had no bread; literally, no bread, and seven children.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>In desperation, Valjean breaks a window and steals a loaf of bread from a baker. Then police arrest and haul him off to prison.</p>
<p>Valjean’s family needed food which drove him to steal. Pretty simple, right? People resort to crime to feed their families. The book even states this explicitly, “in London starvation is the immediate cause of four thefts out of five.”</p>
<p>Now, I can imagine talking to Jean Valjean and explaining why it’s wrong to steal. (We all learned this back in kindergarten, right?) In my mind, I can hear Valjean agreeing with me, even repeating my words back to me. And yet, he would steal again so long as he had starving family members. (Seriously, who wouldn’t?)</p>
<p>The only way to stop Valjean’s stealing is to feed his family, or at the very least, give him an opportunity to earn money to buy bread. And this situation is reminiscent of that old line about how we “first make thieves and then punish them<sup id="fnref:utopia" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:utopia" class="footnote" rel="footnote">3</a></sup>.”</p>
<p>Unmet physical needs drive bad behavior.</p>
<h2 id="example-2-michael-scott">Example 2: Michael Scott</h2>
<p>And unmet needs could be emotional, too. In The Office (2005), Michael Scott lacks connection and closeness. So he constantly tries to be the center of attention and be the “funny guy.” As a result, he tramples boundaries and abuses power, like when he thinks it would be funny to pretend to fire subordinates. (Can you imagine having a boss like that?)</p>
<p>Our instinct is to call out inappropriate behavior and tell people like Michael to stop. But they don’t change until their unmet needs are resolved. We might encourage them to have more empathy for others, but their pain drowns out any empathy they might feel. In Michael’s case, that pain is loneliness, insecurity, and the hopelessness he masks with humor. And his behavior won’t improve until the unmet needs are resolved.</p>
<p>Unmet emotional needs drive bad behavior.</p>
<h2 id="a-common-unmet-need-autonomy">A common unmet need: Autonomy</h2>
<blockquote>
<p>The proverb warns that, ‘You should not bite the hand that feeds you.’ But maybe you should, if it prevents you from feeding yourself.<br />
<cite>— Thomas Szasz</cite></p>
</blockquote>
<p>If you’ve been an adult for more than two minutes, you’ve endured the needless nagging of a micromanaging boss. They love to tell you what to do and precisely how to do it. “I need that TPS report by noon. That’s in 37 minutes, in case you don’t know how to tell time. Now, lemme help you type on this thing we call a ‘keyboard.’ First, let’s find the letter ‘A’…”</p>
<p>No one wants to be treated like they’re mentally deficient. No one wants to be told how to manage their life.</p>
<p>Instead, we crave autonomy. We want complete decision-making power over our bodies, our work responsibilities, and our obligations. This part is obvious.</p>
<p>The not-so-obvious part is our desire to solve our own problems, in our own way and on our own timeframe. We want other people to see us as fully functioning adults, capable of managing our own affairs. As such, we bristle when people tell us we’re broken and when they dole out unsolicited advice.</p>
<p>In addition, we want the freedom to love (and marry) whomever we wish with minimal restrictions<sup id="fnref:restrictions" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:restrictions" class="footnote" rel="footnote">4</a></sup>. (Seriously, I don’t want unreasonable restrictions on whom I marry. So how can I restrict this for others?)</p>
<p>When someone restricts our autonomy, it feels like a boot on our neck. We get angry, and we might even lash out. Independence and self-determination are crucial for our emotional well-being.</p>
<p>So we must protect and safeguard autonomy for all humans. Specifically:</p>
<ol>
<li>Protect your personal autonomy. Push back on people who dictate how to live.</li>
<li>Respect others’ autonomy. Don’t interfere with others’ decisions, so long as they don’t hurt anyone.</li>
<li>Fight for political reforms that maximize autonomy for everyone.</li>
</ol>
<h2 id="how-i-view-other-people-well-try-to">How I view other people (well, try to)</h2>
<p>I try to see other people as thoughtful and well-intentioned. I try to assume that they bear me no ill will. And when they behave badly, I try to look past their actions and guess what unmet need they have. My mother-in-law is a master of this. Whenever someone is grumpy, she’ll ask, “Are you having a rough day?”</p>
<p>Another example of this is found in Eitan Hersh’s book <em>Politics Is for Power</em>. The author discusses how bad drivers make him irate, which is the opposite of his brother-in-law’s reaction:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>If I’m driving down the highway, my three kids strapped into car seats in the back of our minivan, and I see a car swerving in and out of lanes, accelerating past me at ninety miles an hour, I get upset. I tense up, clutch the steering wheel. Maybe I’ll blurt out something just barely left of R-rated, mindful of the children. I honk an extended honk into the expanding distance between the speeding driver and my minivan to demonstrate how annoyed I am.</p>
<p>But do you know what my brother-in-law does in this situation, when he sees someone speed past him? He thinks to himself, or maybe he says to those in the car with him with a smile, “Driving that fast, I bet that guy really needs to use the bathroom.”</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Viewing bad behavior as a result of unmet needs (and not a product of criminal negligence, malicious intent, or corrupt character) has made me more compassionate. I’m more willing to listen to others’ plights and more patient with infractions of social etiquette.</p>
<p>One positive byproduct is that I sidestep the majority of negativity cycles. Instead of responding negatively to bad behavior (which escalates into an argument), I ignore it. I let it pass by and fade away. As a result, I spend far less time arguing and debating with the people around me. I spend less time feeling hurt and angry. And life is so much smoother.</p>
<p>Now, critics say that a portion of society is not well-intentioned but rather malicious. And they’re not wrong. A few people are malicious, and an even greater number are absolutely oblivious. But it’s entirely reasonable to take a charitable view of bad behavior while distancing yourself from these people. It’s perfectly reasonable to see Michael Scott, to see his unmet needs, and to keep your distance.</p>
<p>It’s also helpful to turn the tables. When I act out and misbehave, I’d prefer people to see this due to unmet needs instead of calling me “toxic.” I want people to take a charitable view of me, so I (try to) take a charitable view of them.</p>
<h2 id="this-mental-model-applied-to-parenting">This mental model applied to parenting</h2>
<p>As a parent, I want to limit the tantrums and meltdowns my kids have. It’s embarrassing to have your child throw a screaming fit in the check-out aisle of the grocery store! And while I want to avoid all forms of embarrassment, I also want my tiny humans to feel good and be happy. I want them to grow into well-adapted adults that can make the world a better place.</p>
<p>So when my kiddos act up, I do my best to see beyond the behavior, beyond tears and tempers, and see what their unmet needs are. I’ve come to realize that small children have numerous unmet needs. Even the kids of the most well-intentioned parents will spend part of their day feeling dissatisfied and disgruntled. And much of this discontent is preventable.</p>
<p>Now there’s not time to enumerate all unmet needs that tiny humans contend with, but I’ll briefly go through four groups or classes of needs:</p>
<p><strong>1. Need for sleep and food.</strong> Kids morph into grumpy goblins when they’re tired and hungry—as do most adults! So my wife and I eat on a regular schedule and enforce regular bedtimes. (My son even calls me the “bedtime boss.”)</p>
<p><strong>2. Need for fairness.</strong> Children are keenly attuned to what is fair. So the wife and I strive to treat our two kids equally. This can be difficult because our son is three years older and has more freedom (and responsibility) than his sister. But we make things as equitable as we can.</p>
<p><strong>3. Need for autonomy.</strong> Kids want complete control over their decision-making. Left to their own devices, they would stay up all night playing Minecraft, gobble jelly donuts for every meal, and adopt a dozen stray dogs. None of this is reasonable, of course. We have to have bedtimes, eat the occasional vegetable, and right now, we can’t have a dog.</p>
<p>This is extremely disappointing to my kids, but we try to let them control as much of their life as is reasonable. Every day they have unstructured playtime, and we regularly take them to the public library and pick out books. Even at bedtime, my daughter decides what order she wants to do things like getting a drink, going to the bathroom, and getting hugs from mom and dad.</p>
<p><strong>4. Need for control.</strong> Children aren’t born with any boundaries. Instead, they see people as a means to an end or an obstacle to shove aside as they bolt toward that pan of peanut butter brownies. As such, little ones experiment with ways to exert power over others and generally boss people around. So I’ve said things like, “You can’t dictate what your brother eats for breakfast.” and “You can’t force your sister to stop giving you the stink eye.”</p>
<p>Tackling this particular issue is difficult because there’s no middle ground. No compromise. As parents, we don’t allow our kids to control others. They can only control themselves. This is hard for kids to hear, especially when they’re tired, hungry, or lack autonomy. I mean, we have a whole bunch of adults running around society who haven’t figured out that it’s not OK to control other people.</p>
<p>Acknowledging that my kids have numerous needs (just like adults!) has made me a better parent. Compared to adults, little ones are far less capable of meeting their needs, so it’s incumbent upon me as their parent to help them meet their needs. Now, I’m not perfect at this, but it’s something I’m mindful of. And I think it shows: My kids are generally happy and content. And they are learning how to identify their own needs and speak up when they need something.</p>
<h2 id="this-mental-model-applied-to-friendship">This mental model applied to friendship</h2>
<blockquote>
<p>Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light.<br />
<cite>– Buddha</cite></p>
</blockquote>
<p><em>The Courage to Be Disliked</em> is a series of dialogues between a philosopher and a youth. These two characters discuss how to live, set boundaries, and make society better. At one point in the book, the philosopher even states that any two people are the basic unit of society: “When there are two people, society emerges in their presence, and community emerges there too.”</p>
<p>I argue that friendship is the basic unit of society. Without friendship and its attendant trust and mutual aid, society would collapse. But long-lasting friendships are difficult to create and maintain as adults. Work and family obligations crowd out time that could be spent with friends. In addition, we don’t always have all of the necessary skills to maintain friendships. Too often, we don’t do enough to join us together and do too many things that split<sup id="fnref:split" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:split" class="footnote" rel="footnote">5</a></sup> us apart.</p>
<p>Friendship is a precious thing, and we must preserve it. We must protect it from falling apart. In my experience, when it does fall apart, it’s always because of bad behavior that stems from unmet needs.
It’s like that quote from Anna Karenina: “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” Good friendships, the ones that last, are all alike in that they meet some basic needs.</p>
<p>Let’s look at three specific needs:</p>
<p><strong>1. Need to drive conversations.</strong> People need someone to listen to them. They need to be heard. In healthy friendships, both parties take turns directing where the conversation goes and who gets attention. I call this the <em>spotlight method</em> where people take turns shining the spotlight on themselves.</p>
<p><strong>2. Need to choose activities.</strong> Shared experiences are what build friendships. And good friends take turns selecting activities. They might even do things they’re not excited about because the relationship is more important than the activity.</p>
<p><strong>3. Need for empathy and validation.</strong> Friends celebrate each other’s successes and mourn each others’ losses. “Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.<sup id="fnref:weep" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:weep" class="footnote" rel="footnote">6</a></sup>” In addition, friends validate each other’s feelings.</p>
<p>When friends behave badly, it’s not because they’re “toxic.” It’s because of unmet needs. They might need to be heard or need empathy and validation. Or they might just as need a turn choosing an activity.</p>
<p>For me personally, it’s so beneficial to view friendship through the lens of unmet needs. As a result, I’m a better listener and more willing to offer empathy and validation to my close friends. I’m more likely to celebrate their wins and commiserate their losses. Now at age 40, I have stronger friendships than I did in my 20s.</p>
<h2 id="this-mental-model-applied-to-being-an-employee">This mental model applied to being an employee</h2>
<p>On any given day, one of the employees in your workplace will be cranky. In some cases, the crankiness stems from unmet needs in their personal life. But often, it’s a direct result of unmet needs related to their work.</p>
<p>Three specific needs are:</p>
<p><strong>1. Need for clarity.</strong> Workers need a clear vision of what’s expected. They need to know what success looks like for their role. And they need all the necessary information to complete assignments.</p>
<p><strong>2. Need for fairness.</strong> Employees need to be paid the same as others who do the same job. In addition, they need to get credit for their contributions and need respect in the workplace.</p>
<p><strong>3. Need for autonomy.</strong> Workers need room to exercise creativity and experiment with novel solutions to problems. Likewise, they need to know what decisions are theirs to make.</p>
<p>When employees act up, it’s usually because one of these needs is not being met. I mean, I certainly get grumpy when I lack clarity, fairness, or autonomy!</p>
<p>So if you’re a manager, be aware of your direct reports’ needs. Check-in regularly and make sure they have clarity, fairness, and autonomy. In an ideal world, employees would tell you when one of their needs is unmet. But more often than not, employees aren’t even aware of their unmet needs. They just know something is wrong.</p>
<h2 id="parting-thoughts">Parting thoughts</h2>
<p>This mental model of <em>unmet needs → negative behavior</em> has been incredibly helpful in understanding how people operate. I look past labels like “toxic”—which only serves to feed my ego—and I see bad behavior as a consequence of people’s pain. (And this pain is everywhere!) As a result, I’m less likely to respond to grouchiness, and I (usually) sidestep the all-to-common cycles of negativity.</p>
<p>In some cases, I can help people meet their needs. Specifically, I can:</p>
<ul>
<li>Ensure my kids go to bed.</li>
<li>Listen to my wife talk through an issue at work.</li>
<li>Help a coworker work through a complicated problem.</li>
</ul>
<p>Lastly, I respect other adults’ autonomy. I let them solve their own problems, and I don’t interfere in their lives. They have complete decision-making power over their bodies, work obligations, and personal lives. They manage their life just as I manage mine.</p>
<p><strong>Take action:</strong></p>
<p>When people misbehave, ask yourself what negative feelings they might have. Ask what their unmet needs are.</p>
<p>Examples:</p>
<ul>
<li>When your spouse is snippy, they might be tired or frustrated.</li>
<li>When your coworker is cranky, they might be stressed out.</li>
<li>When your kiddo is crabby, they might lack autonomy.</li>
<li>When your boss is bad-tempered, they might be under tremendous pressure.</li>
</ul>
<p>In fact, just assume that everyone you talk to is hurting in some way. Loneliness, a lack of autonomy, and sleep deprivation are common culprits. But people do their best to hide their pain. They put on their “happy face” and pretend that everything is fine. But everything is not OK, and sometimes people’s pain manifests as undesirable behavior.</p>
<p>So when that behavior pops up, pause before you react. Ask yourself what negative emotions they’re experiencing and what unmet needs they might have. Ask what small things you might do to help meet their needs. Sometimes there’s nothing you can do, and that’s OK. But just thinking through this will make you kinder and more compassionate.</p>
<p>And you’ll feel a lot better too.</p>
<p><strong>Thanks</strong> to Diane Callahan and Thomas Weigel for reading drafts of this!</p>
<p><strong>Footnotes</strong></p>
<div class="footnotes" role="doc-endnotes">
<ol>
<li id="fn:needs" role="doc-endnote">
<p>Want a longer list of needs? Check out <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs">Maslow’s hierarchy of needs</a> and <a href="https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/needs-inventory">Nonviolent Communication’s inventory of needs</a>. <a href="#fnref:needs" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">↩</a></p>
</li>
<li id="fn:book" role="doc-endnote">
<p>I first learned about this concept in the book <em>Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life</em> by Marshall B. Rosenberg. <a href="#fnref:book" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">↩</a></p>
</li>
<li id="fn:utopia" role="doc-endnote">
<p>From <em>Utopia</em> by Sir Thomas More. <a href="#fnref:utopia" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">↩</a></p>
</li>
<li id="fn:restrictions" role="doc-endnote">
<p>One reasonable restriction is ensuring that both parties can consent, e.g., they’re of legal age and sound mind. <a href="#fnref:restrictions" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">↩</a></p>
</li>
<li id="fn:split" role="doc-endnote">
<p>There’s this idea that some actions join us together, bring us closer, and there are some actions that split us apart. I originally got this idea from a book on writing called <em>Verbalize</em> by Damon Suede. <a href="#fnref:split" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">↩</a></p>
</li>
<li id="fn:weep" role="doc-endnote">
<p>King James Bible, Romans 12:15 <a href="#fnref:weep" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">↩</a></p>
</li>
</ol>
</div>StewieGood morning friends!My Many Shopping Lists2021-08-25T05:00:00-06:002021-08-25T05:00:00-06:00http://stewiewrites.com/shopping-lists<p>To save money, I try to limit how often I go shopping. And the simplest way to shop less often is to keep a shopping list. This is kind of obvious to anyone who listens to financial advice.</p>
<p>But I take things one step further and keep multiple shopping lists, using <a href="https://simplenote.com">SimpleNote</a>:</p>
<p><img src="/images/shopping_lists.png" alt="Shopping lists" /></p>
<h2 id="breakdown-of-my-lists">Breakdown of my lists</h2>
<p><strong>Costco (current):</strong> My running list of things to get. Right now, this list includes Lettuce and a “Giant bag of cheese.”</p>
<p><strong>Costco (master):</strong> A list of the 25+ things I periodically purchase, from pesto to paper towels. Before I go to Costco, I review this list and add needed items to “Costco (current).”</p>
<p><strong>Deseret Industries:</strong> A local thrift store, similar to Goodwill.</p>
<p><strong>Dollar store:</strong> This list includes AA/AAA batteries and envelopes.</p>
<p><strong>GNC:</strong> I should probably delete this list because I never shop there.</p>
<p><strong>Harmons:</strong> A local grocery store with a good selection of fancy cheeses and artisan breads.</p>
<p><strong>Home Depot:</strong> This list includes “25-foot measuring tape” and “5 railing brackets.”</p>
<p><strong>Smiths:</strong> A local grocery store. I seldom shop there.</p>
<p><strong>Walmart (current - main store):</strong> A list of things I need from the main Walmart, a.k.a. “Big Walmart.” I seldom shop there because it’s a lot farther away than the smaller Walmart Marketplace.</p>
<p><strong>Walmart (current - marketplace):</strong> Anytime I need something from the grocery store, I add it to this list. Right now, this list includes pickles and probiotics.</p>
<p><strong>Walmart (master):</strong> A list of all grocery items I regularly buy. Before I shop, I review this list and add needed items to “Walmart (current - marketplace).”</p>
<p>So there you have it: A sneak peek at my many shopping lists. This might feel excessive to some readers, but it helps me remember what to buy and helps me to limit the number of shopping trips I make. Doing this saves me time and money. And that’s a good thing!</p>StewieTo save money, I try to limit how often I go shopping. And the simplest way to shop less often is to keep a shopping list. This is kind of obvious to anyone who listens to financial advice.Is This a Pattern or an Exception? (It’s Probably an Exception.)2021-08-24T05:00:02-06:002021-08-24T05:00:02-06:00http://stewiewrites.com/patterns-vs-exceptions<p><img src="/images/chess2.jpg" alt="Chess" /></p>
<p><cite>Image by <a href="https://pixabay.com/users/stevepb-282134/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=2430046">Steve Buissinne</a> from <a href="https://pixabay.com/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=2430046">Pixabay</a></cite></p>
<p>So there’s an old saying: “I don’t trust words, I even question actions, but I never doubt patterns.” For example, once a friend arrives late for three consecutive lunches, I expect tardiness. Same story with people who constantly argue over the tiniest thing. Our behaviors are generally consistent.</p>
<p>Now, this is obvious. Nothing really new here, right? But let’s flip it around and explore how I used this to improve my relationships.</p>
<p>Whenever a friend is gruff or curt, I resist the urge to feel annoyed. I try to catch myself and ask: <strong>Is this a pattern or an exception?</strong> Does this brief interaction represent all of my experiences with them?</p>
<p>In my experience, annoying behavior is an exception. It usually results from the other person having a bad day. Maybe they slept poorly, skipped a meal, or arrived late to work. Maybe they feel stressed with a personal issue. I mean, we’re all a bit cantankerous when aspects of our lives are in chaos.</p>
<p>With that said, in general, my friends are courteous and considerate. Whenever we meet for lunch or go to a movie, they’re polite, tactful, and mindful of others. Same story with my spouse, coworkers, and even strangers on public transit. This applies to pretty much everyone!</p>
<p>Knowing this makes it far easier to ignore the occasional curt comment coming from a friend who just feels frustrated. I brush the incident off and forget about it—just as I hope they’ll disregard my occasional crabbiness!</p>
<p>Asking: <strong>Is this a pattern or an exception?</strong> has really improved my relationships. This simple tool has helped me bypass numerous negative response cycles with friends, where I call out their behavior, they respond, and I respond, each time escalating things. This tool helps me breeze past a brief bit of negativity, and in some cases, avoid an all-out argument.</p>
<p>I cannot overstate how useful this tool is. Maybe I’m just oversensitive and really need a tool like this, but it has helped me chill out and not nitpick every aspect of every interaction. (Maybe you don’t do this, gentle reader, but I certainly do!) It’s quieted my ego, whose natural inclination is to bristle at even the slightest slight.</p>
<p>As a result, life is much smoother. I can focus on my goals without getting derailed by petty arguments about social etiquette. Better yet, I have way more friends now that I gave up my post as tone police and retired my Miss Manners apron.</p>
<p>And I encourage you to do the same. Whenever a friend is grumpy, grouchy, or snippy, try ignoring it. Ask: <strong>Is this a pattern or an exception?</strong> Does this represent all interactions, or is it just a moment of irritability? Most likely, it’s an exception, and they’re just having a rough day. Just ignore exceptional behavior, and your relationships will stay strong.</p>
<p><strong>Thanks</strong> to Diane Callahan, Thomas Weigel, and Todd Ericksen for reading a draft of this!</p>StewieSo you’ve joined our startup and you’re itching to refactor everything…2021-08-24T05:00:01-06:002021-08-24T05:00:01-06:00http://stewiewrites.com/when-to-refactor<p><img src="/images/desktop.jpg" alt="Desktop" /></p>
<p><cite>Image by <a href="https://pixabay.com/photos/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=1245714">Free-Photos</a> from <a href="https://pixabay.com/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=1245714">Pixabay</a></cite></p>
<p>Dear New Engineer,</p>
<p>We’re thrilled to have you join our team! You asked insightful questions during the interview, and your technical skills are top-notch. Furthermore, you set up your local development environment in record time. Well done!</p>
<p>Looking through the code base, you identified numerous issues and places that need a lot of refactoring. And everyone on the team agrees that our codebase has some really dark corners.</p>
<p>But before you go on a quest to re-engineer our entire system, I want you to consider five things:</p>
<p><strong>1. We’re in growth mode.</strong></p>
<p>We’re a start-up. We have a few customers, and our biggest risk is not shipping features fast enough to get more customers. If we don’t grow enough in the next 18 months, we won’t qualify for Series A funding. As a result, we have a tolerance for non-severe issues.</p>
<p>So please, stop comparing us to Facebook and their supposed best practices because a tiny bug for them could affect millions of users.</p>
<p><strong>2. We only have 15 customers and 200 active users right now. So it doesn’t make sense to scale things past 150 customers and 2,000 active users.</strong></p>
<p>Too often, we believe future problems—which are largely imaginary—must be fixed now. If we can imagine a dozen issues, they must be real and must be addressed today.</p>
<p>For example, scaling our billing system to handle 100,000 customers is something we can conceive of. (And it’s a fun problem to solve!) But it won’t happen any time soon, or this year, or next year, and therefore doesn’t deserve our immediate attention. Instead, it would be a massive distraction from issues that customers face right now and features that customers want right now.</p>
<p><strong>3. We need firm limits on future-proofing things that <em>could</em> go wrong, so there’s enough time to handle the things that <em>do</em> go wrong.</strong></p>
<p>We believe that we can predict all problems that’ll pop up and create chaos in our systems. But we can’t. Numerous issues will surprise us as we add users and queues and features and automated billing and multiple regions and internationalization and timezone support. Stuff <em>is</em> going to blow up! In our retrospectives, we’ll say, “I should’ve seen that coming.”</p>
<p>But we seldom anticipate these things because software is incredibly complex. Our little brains didn’t evolve to manage this much complexity. Consequently, let’s not pretend like we can anticipate everything that will happen. Instead, let’s prepare for the obvious stuff and give ourselves some extra time to handle the surprises that will inevitably happen.</p>
<p><strong>4. Consider <em>all</em> the things that you’re saying “No” to.</strong></p>
<p>Every time we say “Yes” to something, we say “No” to a dozen other things. Other issues. Other features. Other parts of our system screaming to be refactored. There’s just not time to do it all.</p>
<p>In fact, there are 4X times as much work as there is time to do it. So we make tough decisions about the 25% of tasks we work on and the 75% that we put on the back burner. And eventually… forget about.</p>
<p>It hurts my heart to say this, but our “backlog” is largely a list of work we’ll never get to. As such, we must be careful about what we say “Yes” to!</p>
<p><strong>5. Consider <em>all</em> the things that you’re saying “Yes” to.</strong></p>
<p>Before embarking on a refactoring project, map out what completion materially looks like. Think through all dependencies, sub dependencies, and so forth. Walk through the edge cases for each dependency. Is this project still worth doing?</p>
<p>Next, given an honest time estimate for each dependency, sub dependency, and edge case. Is this project still worth pursuing in light of everything else that you might work on?</p>
<p><strong>Thanks</strong> to Todd Ericksen and Thomas Weigel for a reading draft of this.</p>StewieDear Dude with too many T-shirts: no one wants to buy them—just recycle/trash them2021-08-03T05:00:01-06:002021-08-03T05:00:01-06:00http://stewiewrites.com/dude-too-many-t-shirts<p><em>This is part of my series on <a href="/stewies-decluttering-mental-models/">Decluttering Mental Models</a></em>.</p>
<p>Dear Dude with too many T-shirts:</p>
<p>I think it’s fantastic that you’re willing to part ways with your 127 T-shirts. I commend you for letting go of the high school acapella-club T-shirts, 2016 political campaign T-shirts, and the T-shirts from that one local band that fused reggae with dream pop.</p>
<p>But I have some bad news: No one wants to buy your old T-shirts.</p>
<p>It’s really hard to hear, I know, because they hold so many memories for you. These T-shirts are physical objects that represent a slew of emotions and important events in your life. They hold tremendous meaning. But they won’t hold any of these emotions for anyone else. To everyone else, they’re just used T-shirts.</p>
<p>You see, we live in a time of unprecedented prosperity. T-shirts are ridiculously cheap to manufacture, and Americans pretty much always buy new ones. I mean, when is the last time you bought someone’s old T-shirt with random stuff on it, like “Butte High School — class of 2001”?</p>
<p>Now, you may want to help your clothes “find a new home” via donation. But <a href="https://www.npr.org/2021/05/06/993821945/goodwill-doesnt-want-your-broken-toaster">Goodwill probably doesn’t want T-shirts</a> because no one buys them and because a zillion other people already donated the exact same T-shirts. Most likely, Goodwill will either recycle them or trash them.</p>
<p>Don’t create extra work for charity shops. Just recycle or trash them yourself.</p>
<p>And don’t get too hung up about recycling. Don’t get me wrong, recycling is a good thing! But it’s a pain in some places, like rural areas or big cities where people don’t have a car. Furthermore, nearly all of the environmental impact happened during the T-shirt’s production/distribution. So if you really want to protect the environment, stop consuming in the first place.</p>
<p>I know this will rankle our recycling friends, but it’s OK to throw away old T-shirts. It’s OK to hold them in your hands, thank them for their service, and send them on their way. Everything has a life cycle. Everything has a beginning, middle, and end. And it’s OK if this is the end of the road for old T-shirts.</p>
<p>Just know that it will feel uncomfortable parting ways with old clothes. And that discomfort never goes away. There will never be a “good time” to do it. So it might as well be today.</p>StewieThis is part of my series on Decluttering Mental Models.Dear Car Dealers: I Don’t Want a “Free” T-shirt with your Logo2021-08-01T05:00:01-06:002021-08-01T05:00:01-06:00http://stewiewrites.com/car-dealer-free-tshirt<p><em>This is part of my series on <a href="/stewies-decluttering-mental-models/">Decluttering Mental Models</a></em>.</p>
<p>Two years ago, I bought a used minivan. After I signed the paperwork and got the keys, the salesman said, “OK last thing: let’s get your T-shirts!” No joke, they had a whole bunch of shelves with T-shirts, silkscreened with the car dealer’s logo, in every imaginable size.</p>
<p>I politely declined, and the salesman gave me that fake “You hurt my feelings” look which perturbed me. I mean, I had just barely spent thousands of dollars on a minivan, and now you’re offended that I won’t be a walking billboard for you??? Seriously, I’m happy to buy things that I actually need, like a minivan that won’t lose power when the temperature exceeds 100° F, but don’t expect me to provide free advertising for you.</p>
<p>Don’t try to guilt me into storing clothes that I honestly will never wear. I have enough stuff, and I’m trying to reduce what I have. Don’t make things worse.</p>
<p>(And for those of you who say, “Just accept the shirt and donate it,” I have some bad news for you. Nobody who shops at Goodwill will buy a silkscreened shirt with a car dealer’s logo on it. So this T-shirt will end up recycled/trashed.)</p>
<p>And don’t even get me started on dealer decals and stickers. I don’t want your logo on my car or my license plate frame!</p>StewieThis is part of my series on Decluttering Mental Models.